It is time to take off the mask and communicate. My entire weekend has been spent with my Owner on taking off the mask and learning how to communicate. For some communicating is easy, but for me it is almost insurmountable at times. Most of the time when I am involved in an intimate relationship, I put on a mask and hide behind it, not sharing what is supposed to be my intermost thoughts, my feelings or emotions. My most patient Owner is teaching me that it is not only acceptable to rip off the mask and share emotions/feelings, but also necessary in order for a relationship to survive and thrive. The other night it started and was brought to my realization in a conversation that became heated and almost destructive, to tonight to yet another conversation in which I choose not to say anything for fear of starting another fight. And in both of those instances I learned a very valuable lesson.
That lessson being; To not only tear off that mask and throw it away, but also to open up and peel back the layers upon layers of *self* to expose the inner soul and its workings. How can I truly submit if I hide emotions and /or feelings from him, the most important man in my life. I would not only be deceiving myself and him but also our relationship and everything that it stands for. This will be the most challenging obstacle I will have to overcome and divest until my soul is susceptible for him.
What has started out as a journey of serving, and surrendering has now turned into a quest of the utmost importance. I must not only acquaint myself, sit at the feet and learn, but to gracefully accept the constructive criticism he offers and not take each and every part that is offered to only mean an affront. For me this is one of my biggest downfalls/insecurities in which I take myself to another realm and cut myself down, feeling that I have failed in some way, when in reality all I have done is failed to communicate.
He has shown me that communication is the number one factor in ensuring a relationship will work and not fail. In a sort of round about way, I begged him from the beginning to please open up to me and to please never hold back those feelings, so I could be allowed to see how his innermost thought process worked. And in turn he started to, has been trying to pry back his own layers from the past and open up, and I then in turn started to *clam* up even moreso. Funny creatures that we are, hating to show vulnerability to one another for fear of being laughed at, exposed with raw emotions/feelings.
I gave him a vow of surrendering all and yet hid the most important part of me, my soul. My inner being. Even tho my inner being is an intricate web of tangled thoughts and at times it is nearly impossible to separate those into tangible thoughts, it is something I must do. And the reasonings behind that is quiet simplistic, "I wish to for the sake of our relationship, and that is how much I love him.' I cannot say that the mask shall not perhaps be put back on at times, but I can assure that it shall always come off again also. Whether it be in that moment or later in other moments, and hopefully one day all together, for him.
This is the first part, and the second part can be read at 'laurie's' journal at www.darksurrender.com
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