Home Sweet Home.

Well we did it! We finally made that move!

I guess maybe I should fill you in a little since I am rather new to this blogging. I met my Master ten years ago as friends, but for most of that ten years we were with others until a year ago, we started talking again and about four months ago, I became his collared slave. We had a long distance relationship, and with our circumstances we were planning on being together on a 24/7 basis in about a year, or two. Guess what? That didn't last as long as that, he moved here a little over a week ago. Lock, stock and barrel! Or should I say, motorcycle, boxes and whips! YIKES!

I had the house, three bedrooms, two baths, around 1100 square feet, the mini-van and two teens. And LOTS of contents!!! I mean lots!!! And now we are in the process of putting things in their places, or should I say trying to cram things into their places, or better yet, trying to decide what to do with all of our *stuff*. Since we are both in our 40's, you can imagine how much stuff we have! And to top that off, how much stuff two teens have! Double yikes! Since we do not have a garage we had to go and rent one of those storage lockers and we have decided to have a sale. Kind of like an after moving sale. And I am sitting here overwhelmed, dazed and confused. I am one of those people who has to have order, neatness, organized living.

Maybe I should contact Martha Stewart on 100 ways to cram things in a small house that just will not fit! And on top of all the `nilla tools of living, we have the bdsm tools of living to cram into tight lil spaces. Kind of funny when you think about moving in together in this type of lifestyle, it looks like your typical home, not quite the white picket fence, but close. Typical neighborhood, neighbors and so forth. But don't forget looks can be deceiving. I would say that I am a typical looking person, but Master has that biker type look. The kind you find in Easy Rider. We both are bikers and love black leather, but he looks like the part, whereas I don't. Or should I say when I am clothed I don't. I have tattoos, and the only piece of black leather I own is my jacket. so hence the reason for the picture of the white picket fence with the blood red rose jutting out from the inside of the yard. Growing through the pickets.

That is kind of what our life is like. We look like the All American couple, sort of........in the all American house........with a twist......There are whips, vibrators, ropes, cuffs....etc...etc....crammed underneath the bed, in the dressers, hidden away from plain view. (I hope when he asks for something, I will be able to remember where in the heck I put it!).

It sure takes a couple's relationship to a whole new level/dynamic when they move in together. I have to learn everything I can about him, from what he likes to eat to how he sleeps. And to top that off, he works from the home, so he is here all day. I know he watches me at times, I know he is always here to oversee whatever I do, and that is unnerving! I don't have time to clean the house before he gets home, I have to clean around him. I don't have time to fix myself up and surprise him before he gets home, he is here while I am getting dressed.

Another BIG change he is a morning person, and I am not! Or should I say I WAS NOT! I used to go to sleep in the middle of the night, and sleep most of the day, and now I am on his schedule. I get up when he tells me to, and go to bed with him each night. OY! I hate mornings!!! Don't worry about telling him that tho, he knows! I have to get up and go and make his coffee each morning, and have it ready by the time he is out of bed. Ohh and did I tell you I hate coffee! I hate the smell of it, I hate the taste of it, and he doesn't drink regular coffee either, he has to have the beans ground and then make it fresh. And he drinks it with sugar and cream.
The first time I ground his beans I spilled a bunch on the floor, didn't have the lid right on the grinder and grounds flew out when I turned it on. WHAT A MESS! Thank goodness he was in the other room and didn't see my mess! I hurried and cleaned it up, and after all that, presented him with a nice cup of freshly ground coffee, laced with sugar and cream. WHEW! And tried not to bust out into insane laughter or tears.

He is not a demanding man, he just happens to like things how he likes them, as most Alpha dominant men. He has helped me A LOT! He is allowing me time to get to know him, and does not expect perfection, (YAY!), nor does he sit there and just make me guess. He is feeding me information and is a very patient man. (YAY again!) Which is a wonderful attribute for me, and in our adjustment period I need that probably more than anything. That patience, when I am trying to get out of bed, swearing and muttering to myself in wondering who in the heck would get up at that ungodly hour to drink coffee. Thank the Universe he does not eat breakfast! I hope! I am sure this exhaustion will go away someday, after I am used to getting up in the mornings and that one day soon I will feel like my old self in motivation skills. And not sit there on the couch waiting for an hour or two to wake up and face the day.
It certainly has been a fun week, a different week, even with all the obstacles. I feel like a cross between Betty Crocker and Betty Paige. And to think I am not a novice, I have been at this for over 20 years. Ahhhh, glorious surrender in the 24/7 life of a slave and Master.

And with this I will leave you for the day.......I plan on posting a lot more in the upcoming days, weeks, months.....providing he will allow it......and I would love to hear how some of you live your 24/7 lives.......I love reading blogs, I love reading your everyday lives.....your mishaps, your trials and errors...your rituals, your protocols....whatever falls under your own header of 24/7's.

Be well.

Laur

The Power that Binds.

Do “I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.”

Anais Nin


You are perhaps wondering why I choose that famous quote, and what it has to do with my topic. Every time I read that certain quote I substitute woman for slave. I believe in that deeper instinct, that deeper level of having a man who can compel my strengths, who can also make demands on those very same strengths, knowing that I am tough, I have courage, and that his strength is stronger, more powerful. That is the power that binds, not with mere ropes, or cuffs, but with something stronger, more complete, more lasting, the mind. The soul. The absolute power exchange, better known as the total power exchange, TPE.


Total power exchange (TPE) is a derivative of the concept of power exchange in a master/slave relationship. The term refers to a relationship where the dominant or owner has complete authority and influence over the submissive's life, making the majority of decisions. TPE is occasionally referred to as 24/7, denoting that protocol in the D/s relationship is in play anytime, anyplace and the dominant partner gets complete power at all times of the day, though most consider these terms to have somewhat different definitions.

Total power exchange was coined by Steven S. Davis in the newsgroup alt.sex.bondage during his debates with Jon Jacobs in the mid 1990s:
A TPE (Total Power Exchange) relationship, sometimes described as an absolute lifestyle d&s relationship ... is a relationship in which no impediment to the exercise of the owner's power is accepted ... Such things as safewords, contracts, negotiated limits, and anything else which recognizes / acknowledges / formalizes limits on the owner's power are inimical to TPE.
Jacobs disliked the term TPE and preferred to talk about absolute power exchange (APE), but both terms continued to be problematic for some people, including many who pursue these types of relationship, since the relationship is subject to the physical and the emotional limitations of the participants and therefore cannot genuinely be total or absolute. Partly as a result of these objections, the term internal enslavement (IE) was developed in 2000, and is used to better describe the state of mind of these kinds of consensual slave.

So my question is this: Is it possible? On a human level, can we have absolute or total power exchange with another human being? What power binds us to that other person, without falling into an abusive relationship. Or are those lines indiscernible?

I would like to believe that it is possible, that even tho at times those lines can be indiscernible, we can have that absolute power exchange, that total power exchange in the Master/slave relationship. For it is the power that binds us to one another. It is all about choices, the choices we make in our unique relationships. Do we simply choose to give up that power, that control, or do we fight it every inch of the way, and making those choices harder and harder.

In a little over a week, about ten days my Owner is coming to live with me. Not just for a day, a weekend, a week, but moving in lock stock and barrel. Into *my* home, into *my* bedroom. Into *my* life. What exactly does that mean, does that mean that it ceases to be *my* home, *my* bedroom, *my* life, or does it mean that I choose to give up that power and it becomes *his*. Does it mean that I choose to exchange one bit of power for another, one part of power for another, or do I fight it to regain some part of that power for myself. Quite the question isn't it.

We could fight the semantics of it all, or we could just go with the flow and exchange that power on a level that most will never obtain. I know there will be arguments, I know there will be struggles within that power exchange, I know there will be times of trials and errors. But I also know that he compels my strengths, just as I surrender to his. I know that trust is imperative to creating a relationship such as this, to any relationship, but in ours, it must be absolute, it must be total. For there are no ropes that shall hold me here, there are no chains that shall tie me to the surrendering of one's soul.

It is the power that binds me.

Behind the Mask. *Communication*. Part One.

It is time to take off the mask and communicate. My entire weekend has been spent with my Owner on taking off the mask and learning how to communicate. For some communicating is easy, but for me it is almost insurmountable at times. Most of the time when I am involved in an intimate relationship, I put on a mask and hide behind it, not sharing what is supposed to be my intermost thoughts, my feelings or emotions. My most patient Owner is teaching me that it is not only acceptable to rip off the mask and share emotions/feelings, but also necessary in order for a relationship to survive and thrive. The other night it started and was brought to my realization in a conversation that became heated and almost destructive, to tonight to yet another conversation in which I choose not to say anything for fear of starting another fight. And in both of those instances I learned a very valuable lesson.
That lessson being; To not only tear off that mask and throw it away, but also to open up and peel back the layers upon layers of *self* to expose the inner soul and its workings. How can I truly submit if I hide emotions and /or feelings from him, the most important man in my life. I would not only be deceiving myself and him but also our relationship and everything that it stands for. This will be the most challenging obstacle I will have to overcome and divest until my soul is susceptible for him.
What has started out as a journey of serving, and surrendering has now turned into a quest of the utmost importance. I must not only acquaint myself, sit at the feet and learn, but to gracefully accept the constructive criticism he offers and not take each and every part that is offered to only mean an affront. For me this is one of my biggest downfalls/insecurities in which I take myself to another realm and cut myself down, feeling that I have failed in some way, when in reality all I have done is failed to communicate.
He has shown me that communication is the number one factor in ensuring a relationship will work and not fail. In a sort of round about way, I begged him from the beginning to please open up to me and to please never hold back those feelings, so I could be allowed to see how his innermost thought process worked. And in turn he started to, has been trying to pry back his own layers from the past and open up, and I then in turn started to *clam* up even moreso. Funny creatures that we are, hating to show vulnerability to one another for fear of being laughed at, exposed with raw emotions/feelings.
I gave him a vow of surrendering all and yet hid the most important part of me, my soul. My inner being. Even tho my inner being is an intricate web of tangled thoughts and at times it is nearly impossible to separate those into tangible thoughts, it is something I must do. And the reasonings behind that is quiet simplistic, "I wish to for the sake of our relationship, and that is how much I love him.' I cannot say that the mask shall not perhaps be put back on at times, but I can assure that it shall always come off again also. Whether it be in that moment or later in other moments, and hopefully one day all together, for him.

This is the first part, and the second part can be read at 'laurie's' journal at www.darksurrender.com

Storms in Life.

Many times in life we experience *storms*. We have fierce storms, gentle storms or even at times those, *perfect storms*. Today I had a fierce storm in my life. Not the capacity of a perfect storm, but a storm nonetheless. Don't you hate those days when you wake up and think that you will have a *good* day only to find out that your weather gauge was off! Well that is my day today!

First off I woke early to the sounds of snowplows running up and down the street, waking me from an already disturbed sleep. And then to find out my brother-in-law was diagnosed with M.S. And then yet more problems on the verge with a nephew and an ex! Ohhh what a glorious day! Yea right! But knowing the way my brain works, trying to still that ever racing part, I place my role into a character, known as Scarlett, from "Gone with the Wind." You know what I mean, " I just can't possibly worry about such things today. I'll worry about them tomorrow." type of behavior.

That would be me on those days! Until those days mount up and at the end of whatever time passes, they catch up with you! Sooooo today I have been trying to think of ways to better myself and try not to just lose myself in Scarlett's behavior. And in thinking about that, I came to the conclusion life is like storms. Sometimes they rage, they brew, they come in quickly and leave as if nothing ever happened........sometimes they come in savagely and leave damage in its wake.....I think perhaps today is someplace in between.......Although even in the storm there is beauty......there are brilliant flashes of lightning that flash across the sky, showing us the many stunning colors that exist in our Universe. The rain leaves behind growth, renewel, strength, a fresh clean scent that washes away the grime, the dirt......

And then my brain went to how storms can be like relationships......fierce, harsh, gentle, loving, beautiful, ugly.......We can love fiercely in life and make sure that no one is damaged by the relationship we share.....we can love gently in the night when it comes to merely holding hands when our loved ones are sick, afraid, nervous.......But is there such a thing as a perfect storm in a relationship, or what we would call, perfect love?

No, nothing is perfect, not even a storm......What we can have is all that it can be, and as close to perfection in that.......we can love with our whole hearts, our souls, our passions....even in those less than perfect times......To know that our loved one is close at hand.....to always say I am sorry if a wrong has been done......even at times if it hasn't, and the other one feels that it was.....

A note unexpectedly sent that says, "I love you." ......A phone call to a loved one that you haven't spoken to in a while......A nice gesture to show that you appreciate your loved one......so many things to make sure that other person knows you care, you love them......

By now you are probably asking how did she get from talking about storms, to love......Another crazy lady's ramblings perhaps.........but then again, if this old jaded lady can feel love fiercely when she thought it was gone from her life........and feel it rage against the storm......

You can too!!!!

LIVE, LOVE, LAUGH!!!!! And rage against the storm!!!!!!

Dark Surrender.

Another day, another post. Only this time I have some exciting news to share with you!!! My Owner has allowed me to have a new site!! YAY!!! In which to share with all my friends and hopefully more new friends! It is called, "Dark Surrender" and I hope to see you all there. On the right bar is the link, please feel free to stop on over. I have read so many of your blogs here, and would love to meet as many as I can.

Perhaps you are wondering why we chose the name, "Dark Surrender" for our site. It seems to fit the life in which we live. It isn't always pink and fluffy as some would think it to be. It is a 24/7 journey of reality into the world of Master/slave. There are bumps along the way, thorns to be ran into, some even make you bleed. Another way to describe it at times would be as if you had a pair of handcuffs on, digging into your flesh and leaving behind their marks. At times harsh and at other times, soft. Delicate, fragile, a world in which there is pain, love, heartache, a bittersweet suffering of that dark surrender.

My surrender has never came easy, I have often fought it, and wondered why. Let me share it with you, as you share yours with me. I have never believed surrender to be a nice lil gift all wrapped up, but instead something that you struggle for, even tho it is inherent inside of me.

So enjoy the ride....enjoy all that it can be.....just as I....

Vanilla or Not? What does the world see 'US" as?

This has been brought to my attention more than once over the past few months, since being collared to him. It makes me wonder what the world see's "US" as? Does it merely see us as lovers, the type of lovers where I wear some strange necklace around my throat? Whereas most do not even know it is from him, most merely think of it as a pretty chain with a strange lock. Something that an eccentric lady would wear. Having to do with my flair for the unique. It annoys me frankly, that I am not allowed to express to all those that are around me what exactly it stands for.

I wish I could. If you are married, people do not think twice about showing you their ring, admiring it, even taking pictures of it to show the world. But wearing his collar is different, it must be hidden from the world, from society. And if there are pictures taken of it, they too must be hidden away, or perhaps put on some website that will accept it for what it is. I was asked a question today by a friend, a newly acquired friend, "Is your collar like a wedding ring? With the same commitments? Is it the same living with your Master as a husband?" She is new to our lifestyle, and very curious about the differences, the similiarities......

So how to explain in simple terms, I would say layman, but that might not fit this situation, this lifestyle, where it is out of the norm so to speak. My replies to her were simple, but yet at the same time complex. Yes to me it is like a wedding ring, with the age-old commitments standing behind it, and then some.

I will honor him, I will obey him, I will love him til death do us part. Whether it be sickness or in health, richness or poorness. In good times and bad times, and in joy and sorrow. I will cherish him as long as I live. I will be only his and have sealed my fate with the collar around my throat. I have given him my heart, my soul, my mind and my flesh.

That pretty much sums it up, for I have given him my all, and all that is yet to come. So yes, the outside world might see this as vanilla, or lovers, or whatever other label they deem fit, but what I see it as is.......

Our life together.

For you Love.